The Grace In A Day

So, we've had a great Christmas break for sure.  My parents' visit was long and wonderful, we've enjoyed rest and relaxation amidst a bunch of fun outings and activities.  It's been great to be together certainly.  But unfortunately, we've had some struggles that have mounted with each passing day.  Namely, Koen's behavior.  And then this behavior affects his brothers' behavior (particularly Tav's) and it all comes crashing down (meaning, our sanity, our tempers and therefore our days).  Koen loves routine, he's a classic first-born full of strong will and bravado and we think that the lack of his usual schedule with school, etc. has him just whirling.  It's so frustrating as this is such a special time to soak up being together and enjoying non-typical days of fun and family time.  Don't get me wrong, Koen is great.  He's an amazing kid, a great big brother and a lot of help to Doug and I, but just like the rest of us, we all have weaknesses.  Mostly we are just tired of disrespect and utter ignorance of our request for obedience on the same things over and over again.  Meal time has been particularly difficult the last few days.  Breakfast this morning was no exception and it just triggered everything to blow out of proportion.  It was terrible.  I completely lost it.  I HATE LOSING IT.  What are we doing wrong that regular tones of voice, gentle reminders and meaningful consequences don't work??  What else can we do?  I was so discouraged and frustrated.  It's not about perfection, it's not about every time, it's about when it's important, when he knows how important it is.  If I ask him not to cross the road when a car is coming, will he stay safe on the side with me?  If I ask him not to slide down the stairs head first, will he not do it and therefore protect Penn from trying the same and sliding onto the tile on his face?  Will he listen and not be derailed by peers pressuring him to do things that are wrong?  This is what worries me.  If he can't stop burping and talking about gas at the table when I ask, how do I know he can control himself and obey me when it's really important?  Of course my mind was full of hundreds of thoughts of what could happen to him if he doesn't learn to honor what we say, the advice and wisdom we try to impart.  He has so much potential.  I don't want to see it squandered on trying to get all the attention or just rebel for the sake of rebelling.  So, as you can see, I started the day a bit crushed.  Not only that, but right afterwards Tavin pulled the same exact stuff Koen did and then acted sooooo disrespectfully towards me.  I lost it at him too.  And he was so upset by it (as was I).  So now I was even more upset.  I love these boys so much and sometimes it just seems that everything I'm doing is wrong, not going anywhere and/or backfiring.  I was a miserable mess of tears and thankfully Doug was around to take over.  His plan was to take the boys to the Carnegie Science Center and since our van is still in the shop, they were going to go downtown on the bus and cross the river using the subway.  A pretty fun day for two boys that don't deserve it.  (Much like the life I lead, quite a blessed one even though I'm a sinner, but praise God for His Son who saved me and extended grace so I can enjoy these blessings I've been bestowed).  Well, Doug took the time to straighten things out with the boys, particularly Koen, and they headed out on their adventure.  Koen apologized to me before he left and I forgave him.  I am happy to forgive, I'm just dying to see a difference the next time he is asked to obey and be respectful.  He left dismal knowing how sad I was.  I wasn't trying to guilt-trip him.  He's a sensitive soul, I know, and it was a little comforting that he was taking it to heart.  But again, my prayer all day was that please, God, let him TRY, just let him TRY to obey and be respectful next time he has the opportunity.  Thankfully he did TRY.  The boys got home a little before 5pm and he tried all evening.  His first words to me after a quick hello was asking if he could help with anything.  Then he played awesome with his brothers (which playtime has been a struggle lately as he turns everything into nuttiness instead of productive play).  Later he asked again if he could help me with anything and then he wanted to make his Dad a birthday card for tomorrow.  At dinner he was very well-mannered, better than we've seen in 10 days probably.  Then after dinner he was my right-hand man on clean up.  There was a little overtired silliness that ensued before bedtime with Doug, but all in all, it was a marked improvement and my prayer had been answered that he tried.  I could see he really wanted to make it right, he wanted to say sorry through more than a mumbled apology, but through his actions, his repentance.  It meant a lot and it gave me hope that we still have time to teach, to strive, to love, to impart and that he will listen, learn and love.  I'm going to bed tonight thankful for the grace the Lord gives me in my sinfulness, in my "losing it" and how His grace tonight extended me this hope not to give up, that there is more work to be done and work is happening in Koen's heart.