Today was the scheduled date of the hearing for the man who broke into our house back in late September. My friend, Julie, came over to be with the boys and Doug and I drove downtown to court. Since the actual break-in, I've been seeing a counselor. She's been a help in getting me to think through the why behind my lingering fears and then taking action through practical steps I can take to get rid of those fears (hence the attempted dog which turned out to not be a solution and also the security system upgrade which is comforting). Anyways, we met last week for a chat knowing the hearing was coming up this week. I really felt so much better and the Lord has done so much healing in my mind that being home alone with the kids is really not a problem for me anymore. I actually felt bad she had come down as I didn't think we had a whole lot to cover and I was getting really excited that maybe this meant I had moved on and was really getting over it.
We did come up with a few practical ways to prepare for today: asking for prayer from friends (check) and calling the parole officer and asking about how the hearing would go, what to expect, etc. (check). When I called the officer last week he was very kind and helpful and he let me know that the man in our case was actually being offered a plea bargain and he would most likely take it. He also informed me that if this was the case, there was a good chance that we would only have to meet with the other victims, the judge, representation from the DA's office and himself. I was so relieved and felt so much hope that I wouldn't have to actually see the man that I came face-to-face with a few months ago in my own home. It really helped me get through the last few days approaching the hearing with very little concern or stress.
First of all, thank you to all of you who were thinking of us and praying for us. We appreciated all the supportive emails and texts over the last days and hours. Unfortunately, I have to report that the morning didn't go as we expected at all and we still have more of the same to go through again.
When Doug and I were driving downtown I could feel the tension building and I totally got emotional before we got there (I was not expecting this!). I got myself together and Doug totally flipped into supportive husband role and we did well getting into the court building, going through security and finding where we needed to go. It all was becoming so real and unsettling to me. A huge building dedicated to and full of young people that have done these same kinds of things or worse to people. I literally felt sick all morning. We checked in at the Witness and Victim area. The receptionist was quite chatty about our situation, which I was not in the mood for, but at least she was pleasant I guess. We were then ushered into a waiting room. It was comfortable enough with Mighty Joe Young playing on a TV, enough space so we weren't crammed next to strangers and a cute kids play area (thankfully none were there though). It was unsettling seeing all the paraphernalia around though...pamphlets on suicide, violence, crime, etc. There was just no covering up the reality of where we were. Soon after we sat down our court advocate sat down with us and reviewed some papers that we needed to fill out. On one of them I was supposed to describe how this crime has affected us, me as an individual and us as a family. So, that really helped my mood. It brought all the emotion and frustration to the surface. What it feels like to be violated like that and be thinking for your own safety and that of your children while going through your normal routine in your own home - not my favorite topic and one I've been combating for months now.
This whole scenario has me very edgy. The other victims (well 3 out of the 4 that received subpoenas) were in the room with us now and I just wasn't in the mood to be chatty. They were discussing what was stolen from their homes. I wasn't in the mood to chat about what happened in ours.
The parole officer also came in to chat with us. He showed us a file that was about an inch thick and said, "this is what a normal juvenile's file looks like," then he showed us one that was about 5 inches thick, "this is "his" file." Not comforting. He did say that the plea was probably going to happen and that hopefully things would go quickly and smoothly today. The man would probably be taken away to a facility for help and as a consequence for up to 5 months and then would be released back into his community with a monitoring device and would have to attend school and after-school treatment. We felt pretty good about those prospects. It's never been my desire for this guy to have to serve life in prison or anything. Consequences for his actions, certainly, but mostly it's been my prayer that he would meet the Lord, give his life to Christ and start fresh with purpose.
A representative from the DA's office met with us briefly and followed up on what the parole officer said. So, then we sat and waited some more.
After about an hour we were called to go outside the courtroom for our case. I was expecting that this must be when we go and meet with the judge, etc. and chat about the plea bargain, come to an agreement and hopefully go home without even seeing the perpetrator. We walk down the hallway to our assigned courtroom and meet up with the advocate, rep from the DA and the parole officer. There is some confusion on whether or not the perpetrator is there and then the parole officer points two people down from us and says, "he's right here." (Seriously as I'm writing this I feel like I'm going to vomit.) At that moment the guy turns around and I see his face. I immediately want to be sick and I turn around all the way and I just started crying. I couldn't hold it in. It was so embarrassing and frightening. I tried to stifle myself. I was facing my neighbors who were victims as well who I didn't even know, but I had to turn away. They kept us all waiting outside the room for another few minutes: victims lined up right with the defendant. If that wasn't unprofessional, I don't know what is.
Next we were told that the police detective did not show up and that we would have to come back and do this all over again another day. The victims were not happy. I didn't have much to say except for trying to pull myself together as I am still feet from the man that was in my home uninvited. They eventually asked us all to go into the courtroom (defendant and entourage included). I couldn't go in. I didn't want to sit down and have him looking at me or have to look at him. Thankfully they let me stay outside and Doug went in on my behalf. It was no use though, they didn't even ask anything of the victims. They just sent the guy home to be with his family for the holidays (apparently he's been home on a monitoring device most of the time since he was caught, they can only hold them 10 days without a hearing).
The other frustrating news we found out at that time was that despite the fact that this man has written confessions to 6 break-ins (even though he's charged for 4), he is now saying he is innocent and they want a trial. It doesn't sound like the hearing (when rescheduled) will go as smoothly as we hoped. I'm praying that the reason for this delay is so that he can change his heart and again plead guilty and take what they are offering him and we can be done with this without having to go to trial. Another prayer request is that we can get the OK for Doug to go on my behalf now that I've gone and filled out all the victim paperwork. I was really surprised at how much this affected me. I was not ready for all of that despite all my preparations and the blessing of being at ease in the days and weeks before today. Finally, please continue to pray for this man's salvation. I know I need prayer for my heart to be softened again. All the anger and fear really returned with just that one look at him and I found myself very bitter. I don't think I was that way even right after it happened, but now that he is being so difficult and saying he's innocent after confessing to everything just makes me angry and feel like he has no idea what he's done. I do just pray for a change of heart for him, but I was reading the Psalms for comfort this afternoon and I found myself echoing David's prayer for the enemies to be trampled. Oh yes, one more prayer request. Today just brought up my fear for my safety and the kids' safety in our home, please join me in covering our home that we are so blessed by in prayers of protection.
Well, I'm sorry for the depressing blog post, but I like journaling and sometimes it feels good to get things off your chest. Thanks for enduring and being concerned for our family.
Doug was out all morning while Koen was at school, so he picked him up and then stopped back to get the little guy and I. Then we drove over to Morningside, a neighborhood closeby to get our tree. This is our third year getting our tree from these guys. They use an abandoned school front entrance to sell the trees they bring down from farms a little north of the city. We've been so happy with their trees and we love supporting the small town business they are running. Plus we love the urban feel to our Christmas tree tradition. Here's Koen scanning the trees for the best one (with his own little "tree" the guys working there gave him)...
Look at my sweet Tavin who rose to the occasion and wanted to get out of the car with us to look through the trees (of course blanket came to make him feel better).
The minivan got its first roof rack task today. Worked very nicely (although Doug was so nervous about scratches, but the guys and Doug got the tree up there very gently and Doug managed to get it down easily as well).
And here is the tree in the house all straight and lovely. Just wait until later and I post it all lit up and decorated. Can't wait!
Kara and Nate were such great hosts not minding a bit that little kids were walking around eating everywhere and playing with everything. The party was really enjoyable for the adults and the kids. James seemed to have a fun time. Here he is with his "cake." He actually blew out the candles one by one perfectly. Very impressive at 2. I think they'd been practicing. =)
